Where we are – Black Lives Matter

We’ve spent weeks under lockdown, separated from family and friends, concerned about our health, navigating how we can get our needs met whilst trying to keep a roof over our heads. Even if no one died in your family or got sick we’ve been exposed to images of dying people, overworked health care workers, isolated sick people and a rising dead count. It’s been a lot. If like me you’re a Black (or BAME) person you’ve also had to deal with the fact that we are overrepresented in the sick and the dying. The reasons are complex, and the research is not fully transparent at this time.

As the lockdown began to ease African Americans left their homes to find a higher percentage of them are represented in the ill, the dying, the unemployed, the incarcerated and more. Making matters worse 3 African Americans – Breonna Taylor, Ahmaud Arbery and George Floyd -were killed in plain sight and those responsible were not being held to account and have not as yet been punished. It seems like while everyone else gets justice if they’ve been a victim of a crime, black lives do not matter hence the chant that it does. Black Lives Matter. 

The third of these, the killing of George Floyd at the knee of a police officer, has sparked protests across the world. It’s as if we finally have a space to talk about years of injustice – historical and present day. It’s a time when we can dare to hope that humanity can work together to bring about a more just world so that everyone has access to the good life. 

But for many this is also traumatic; reawakening old wounds; personal experiences of overt and covert racism over a lifetime. Like any trauma or grief there are many stages to enter. As a country we’ve either been in denial or depression around race equality. Anger and sadness are here now. But this is not only about a death, it is about societal structures and individual leaders who can be held to a higher and more just standard. This can only be done with the support of the majority and there seems to be some willingness to make changes – alongside shock of how it is for some.

Perhaps we can be patient with each other as we try to find the words to explain our different knowledge and experiences. We mostly see the world through our life story, and it takes some humility and mental flexibility to be open to another viewpoint. History has many sides and we need to talk about these more and how they still impact the country we live in.

Many people – white and Black – have been sharing resources of books, films and podcasts. This means that people can educate themselves and not constantly ask victims to evidence their negative experiences so it can be assessed as real. It gives an opportunity to walk in someone else’s shoes for a while. 

I continue to live in hope and believe we can make it better for all. For society to thrive everyone needs to have a stake in it, it is dangerous if some people get so little that they have nothing to lose. Even if we can’t fix a problem, we can acknowledge that it exists. We say, “it’s good to talk” and so it is. Silence supports no one. Secret suffering is not good for our mental health. What’s the smallest action you can take to make your environment just and fair? You’ll benefit too. 

Suggested books: (my Amazon link)

U.K.

  • Girl Woman Other by Bernadine Evaristo (2019 Booker prize winner)
  • Brit(ish): On Race, Identity and Belonging by Afua Hirsch
  • Natives: Race and Class in the Ruins of Empire by Akala (Sunday Times Bestseller)
  • Why I’m no longer talking to white people about race by Reni Eddo-Lodge (Sunday Times Bestseller)
  • Diversify by June Sarpong
  • Black Tudors: The Untold Story by Miranda Kaufman
  • Black British: A Forgotten History by David Olusogo

U.S.A.

  • How To Be An Antiracist by IbramX Kendi
  • So you want to talk about race by Ijeoma Olu
  • Me and White Supremacy by LayLa F Saad

Movies & T.V (Nexflix)

  • When they see us
  • 13th
  • The Hate u give
  • Dear White People

Insight or Hindsight – which do you choose?

As we are in the year 2020, I am reminded of the concept that 20/20 represents perfect vision. I feel that this is a time to connect to our inner knowing. 

A time for appreciating and making use of our insight rather than waiting to have hindsight. 

I come across so many women who know that if they continue as they are burnout lies ahead, yet it is difficult to change path. 

We are often such good listeners and take everyone’s opinions into account whilst our own voice remains silent. 

When it comes to what is best for us our emotions, thoughts and ideas are most important.

Many of us have been raised to value our thinking over any other aspects of ourselves so we tend to underestimate the messages we get from our emotions and physical sensations.

Photo credit Shirley Anstis

Pause for a moment and consider how well you know the other parts of yourself.

What does tired feel like to you?

Who or what depletes you?

Who or what nourishes you?

Is there a place that feeds your soul?

If you can answer questions like these then I’m guessing that you know yourself well. If you don’t know where to begin with these questions, then today is a good day to start your reflections.

Sometimes we’re scared to look at alternatives to the status quo. Or we feel more comfortable with the challenges we have than the new ones we might encounter if we made changes. 

Whatever the case it’s good to recognise what we are choosing and feel empowered in this.

One of the ways we can explore our inner world is through writing; jotting down thoughts, feelings, memories, hopes and fears. This is writing from our conscious and unconscious. It could be shared in a small group with others on the same journey. 

I often write like this and find it helps me to figure out my feelings about things, offers me a record of how things change and gives me space to explore possible choices. 

Therapeutic writing, as it is known, can be even more expansive and include objects, images, poems, lyrics and other stories. As I continue to learn more and facilitate sessions, I find it a very powerful and fun way to connect to and listen to our internal world. 

You can start with journaling and see how that feels to you. I will be running one session per month from April and you can book a session here to try this out for yourself. There’s nothing like experiencing something to know if it might work for you. 

Do get in touch if you’d like me to design workshops for a particular group. It can apply to many settings and life challenges. 

Here’s hoping your 2020 year is filled with more insight than hindsight. 

How do these ideas resonate with you? 

Shirley Anstis is a counsellor, author and former magazine editor. She uses counselling, therapeutic writing and mindfulness to support others to work through their past, connect to their present and step into their future. Outside of this her interests include parenting, photography, nature walks, diversity, food and films.

Book for my next session here.

Shirley Anstis, 

Do You Judge Yourself Harshly?

A beautifully unique image

I’m surprised by the women (and men) I speak to who often see themselves as half empty and lacking something. They compare themselves to what they view as perfect lives online and decide that they are not good enough.

The problem is our peer group has greatly evolved over the last decade or so. 

In the past, our peer group were people like us who lived in our communities or geographical area. They would have similar lifestyles to us.

But we now compare ourselves in a global space, with great disparities in wealth and power, to people who have vastly different lifestyles to us. They are the tiny percent who are wealthy, beautiful and celebrated. We damage our self-esteem if we constantly compare ourselves to these people and find ourselves lacking. They can help to motivate us in small ways, but our aim cannot be to become them. There is only one of you and one of me, with our very own strengths and weaknesses. Human beings are imperfect.

We do well to acknowledge all that we have learnt and experienced in our very unique life. Awareness of who we are helps us to make the best decisions. Denial of who we are encourages us to make bad decisions. 

With so many examples of success in the world it can seem that it comes easily to some. I know from my training, my work and myself that we all have struggles, although these may not be visible or made public. (On the plus side, we get to see so many different ways of living a successful life and can step towards one that resonates with us). 

Talk to the people in your life and ask them how they’re doing. You may find many are struggling with something. 1 in 4 adults and 1 in 8 young people will have a mental health problem. 

As we acknowledge #Timetotalk let’s reconnect to people in our circle, speak our truth, listen to theirs, and be non-judgemental. 

There’s a lot to be said for simple appreciation and encouragement. As we give so we receive. Everyone benefits from a kinder world. Judge less, listen more. Let me know what you think by commenting below. Thank You.

Shirley Anstis