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Archives For Shirley
As we are in the year 2020, I am reminded of the concept that 20/20 represents perfect vision. I feel that this is a time to connect to our inner knowing.
A time for appreciating and making use of our insight rather than waiting to have hindsight.
I come across so many women who know that if they continue as they are burnout lies ahead, yet it is difficult to change path.
We are often such good listeners and take everyone’s opinions into account whilst our own voice remains silent.
When it comes to what is best for us our emotions, thoughts and ideas are most important.
Many of us have been raised to value our thinking over any other aspects of ourselves so we tend to underestimate the messages we get from our emotions and physical sensations.
Pause for a moment and consider how well you know the other parts of yourself.
What does tired feel like to you?
Who or what depletes you?
Who or what nourishes you?
Is there a place that feeds your soul?
If you can answer questions like these then I’m guessing that you know yourself well. If you don’t know where to begin with these questions, then today is a good day to start your reflections.
Sometimes we’re scared to look at alternatives to the status quo. Or we feel more comfortable with the challenges we have than the new ones we might encounter if we made changes.
Whatever the case it’s good to recognise what we are choosing and feel empowered in this.
One of the ways we can explore our inner world is through writing; jotting down thoughts, feelings, memories, hopes and fears. This is writing from our conscious and unconscious. It could be shared in a small group with others on the same journey.
I often write like this and find it helps me to figure out my feelings about things, offers me a record of how things change and gives me space to explore possible choices.
Therapeutic writing, as it is known, can be even more expansive and include objects, images, poems, lyrics and other stories. As I continue to learn more and facilitate sessions, I find it a very powerful and fun way to connect to and listen to our internal world.
You can start with journaling and see how that feels to you. I will be running one session per month from April and you can book a session here to try this out for yourself. There’s nothing like experiencing something to know if it might work for you.
Do get in touch if you’d like me to design workshops for a particular group. It can apply to many settings and life challenges.
Here’s hoping your 2020 year is filled with more insight than hindsight.
How do these ideas resonate with you?
Shirley Anstis is a counsellor, author and former magazine editor. She uses counselling, therapeutic writing and mindfulness to support others to work through their past, connect to their present and step into their future. Outside of this her interests include parenting, photography, nature walks, diversity, food and films.
Book for my next session here.
I’m surprised by the women (and men) I speak to who often see themselves as half empty and lacking something. They compare themselves to what they view as perfect lives online and decide that they are not good enough.
The problem is our peer group has greatly evolved over the last decade or so.
In the past, our peer group were people like us who lived in our communities or geographical area. They would have similar lifestyles to us.
But we now compare ourselves in a global space, with great disparities in wealth and power, to people who have vastly different lifestyles to us. They are the tiny percent who are wealthy, beautiful and celebrated. We damage our self-esteem if we constantly compare ourselves to these people and find ourselves lacking. They can help to motivate us in small ways, but our aim cannot be to become them. There is only one of you and one of me, with our very own strengths and weaknesses. Human beings are imperfect.
We do well to acknowledge all that we have learnt and experienced in our very unique life. Awareness of who we are helps us to make the best decisions. Denial of who we are encourages us to make bad decisions.
With so many examples of success in the world it can seem that it comes easily to some. I know from my training, my work and myself that we all have struggles, although these may not be visible or made public. (On the plus side, we get to see so many different ways of living a successful life and can step towards one that resonates with us).
Talk to the people in your life and ask them how they’re doing. You may find many are struggling with something. 1 in 4 adults and 1 in 8 young people will have a mental health problem.
As we acknowledge #Timetotalk let’s reconnect to people in our circle, speak our truth, listen to theirs, and be non-judgemental.
There’s a lot to be said for simple appreciation and encouragement. As we give so we receive. Everyone benefits from a kinder world. Judge less, listen more. Let me know what you think by commenting below. Thank You.
Mental Health Mates at Henley Literary Festival, October 2019
This was a space for the panel and the audience to connect to their own mental health experience and connect through a shared but very individual story. The panel was hosted by Bryony Gordon: journalist and author of several books including ‘You Got This’ which came out earlier this year. The other panellists were Melissa Helmsley and Poorna Bell.
Melissa Helmsley, is a chef and author of several books including ‘Eat Happy: 30-minute Feelgood Food’. As a guest on an episode of Bryony’s podcast she began to open up about difficulties in her past which led to them becoming friends and Melissa becoming an ambassador for Mental Health Mates.
Award winning journalist and author Poorna Bell has been an active mental health campaigner, especially after the suicide of her husband. She is the author of two non-fiction books, Chase the Rainbow and in Search of Silence. Having used power lifting to help her through the grief of losing her husband she has founded @seemystrong, a space to encourage others who do not see themselves in traditional fitness images to have a go.
It turns out this talk was in two parts: a panel discussion followed by a walk under the name of Mental Health Mates. The movement, started by Bryony, aims to encourage mental health walking groups across the country. There were representatives from the Reading group and I spontaneously decided to join them on the walk from the Henley Town Hall to the Riverside Museum.
I found the panel very open to sharing their mental health experiences, touching on various aspects of their past and present. This is not easy to do, and I really applaud their willingness to be vulnerable so publicly. Each member of the panel came across as individual and, to coin a modern word, relatable.
Because the panel were so honest it felt like a discussion between friends. I feel privileged to have been in the room and don’t think everything needs to be shared here, outside of that intimate setting.
Melissa was partly brought up on army bases in Germany whilst her mum sought to stay connected to her heritage as a Catholic woman of Filipino ancestry. This meant that she felt there was little space in the home to talk about the death of her father.
Poorna saw her apparently strong mother pushing through challenging situations with ease and thought that was how she should approach life. But this led to bad decisions.
Bryony has struggled with anxiety and obsessive compulsory disorder for many years. Years ago, she did not want to believe that her childhood affected who she became as an adult, but she’s eventually accepted the truth of this. We like to think that we were created the way we are now, but the circumstances and environment of our childhood must play some part in the adults we become.
All three spoke of becoming more self-aware, whether that is through therapy or taking time out to slow down and reflect. In different ways they all experienced families that did not encourage talking about feelings. This means they did not want to accept when they were upset and even more, did not want to upset anyone else by sharing how unhappy they were feeling.
Poorna could testify to how becoming stronger, through power lifting, has helped her to feel better and more capable. She also shared the importance of having someone who would help you stay accountable to looking after your mental health. In her case it is her sister. This person can check in as someone to talk to, but also to ask if you’ve eaten, slept, been outside etc. Other well-known beneficial activities include mindful breathing, meditation, journalling and fresh air.
Melissa shared the nourishing and comforting effect of hearty healthy homemade soups. This is brain food that can affect mood. She also talked of working with the imposter syndrome: when we talk down our achievements and believe we’re not good enough for something, even though objectively we are.
An engaged audience had several questions including parenting a child with OCD, the role of medication and the impact of austerity. The panel handled these well. On parenting the advice was to love without judgement, realise your child does not want to be like this either and try to help them find the right support. On medication the advice was to accept it if you need it and use it respectfully, as intended. Of course, financial struggles and political uncertainty have an effect on our mental health but in the context of human existence Bryony offered – “This too shall pass”.
The subsequent walk to the River and Rowing Museum provided an opportunity for audience members to get to know each other and share life stories. It was a warm and friendly gathering and a nice way to reflect on what was said by the panel with others willing to be real about life’s choices.
Counsellor and writer @shirleyanstis on Twitter and Instagram
Conde Nast publishes many of the world’s most glamourous magazines and Nicholas Coleridge CBE has been Editor, Vice President, Managing Director and Chairman of various divisions since 1989. He is also the Chairman of The Victoria and Albert Museum, a position he has held since 2015. I attended his talk on his memoirs “The Glossy Years, Magazines, Museums and Selective Memoirs” at the Henley Literature Festival.
Nicholas was interviewed by Jo Elvin, editor of YOU magazine and, as Ex-Editor of Glamour magazine she was an employee and a colleague. Their warmth towards each other and shared knowledge of what it was like back then brought a certain cosiness to the room. Nicholas himself comes across as clever, energetic, charismatic, hardworking and focused.
When asked about writing his memoirs he shared how he pondered the idea for a few days. He did not want to come across as vain, needed to feel it was the right time for him to write it and if he were to write it then it had to cover career, home and friendships. In the end, legacy and the desire not to forget helped him to commit to writing his memoirs.
I was struck by his clarity and focus in how he approached the writing. He decided to write thirty chapter headings to organise his 40 years of memories. This would be no easy feat. His many diaries allowed him to check that he had the correct dates for when things happened.
It’s a tricky thing including other peoples’ stories in your story without their permission. Nicholas joked that in the 10 days since his memoir had been out, he’d not received a writ as yet. There is no doubt he is brave to write about former girlfriends, politicians, business tycoons and celebrities in an age of personal brand.
Nicholas came into contact with what was then Harpers & Queen, now Harper’s Bazaar, during his teens. He remembers liking everything about them: the sheen of the paper, the images, the covers and having a mix of witty and serious writing. He would later send in an article – how to survive teenage parties – to have it published and bought! This seemed to seal in his passion for the genre.
His career coincides with a massive expansion in magazine publications and sales. Some of this growth reflects a changing world with more countries, such as Russia, China and Japan, growing a luxury clientele. Over this time Conde Nast has gone from 35 titles to 135. Vogue sales has climbed steadily from 128 thousand copies sold to 210 thousand.
From what was shared in the talk I know there will be many hilarious and insightful stories in the book. He shared details of being a weekend house guest at the same time as Bob Geldof and his then girlfriend, plus Conservative politician William Hague and his wife. It’s a funny story that surprises many in quoting Geldof as wanting the Conservatives to win the impending election. There were other stories involving the larger than life fashionista Isabella Blow and her sometimes poor grasp of reality, and “S.I.” Newhouse with his desperate desire to transfer air miles from one of his pug dogs to another! There are more glamourous stories involving Kate Moss and Princess Diana amongst others.
The book also includes more serious episodes. Nicholas shared the time when he was being sued by Mohamed Al-Fayed and how close they came to having a day in court. In the end, once the lawyers saw the affidavits, they realised it would be better to settle.
More recently Nicholas has been the Chair of the Victoria and Albert Museum. He painted a parallel universe between the world of magazine publishing and the world of museums. In both there are departments competing against each other whether for prestige or cash. In both, whether sales or footfall, public consumption is targeted and measured. So now, as he did then, he gets his key figures at the end of each working week and this will shape his decisions going forward.
When audience members had a chance to ask questions they were curious about his views on the future of magazines and the hiring of Edward Enniful. For his part Nicholas believes that magazines with continue in his lifetime with luxury brands holding their position. As in other business sectors however the success would be in the niche.
With regards to the editor of Vogue, Edward Enniful, he saw this as a wise choice and celebrates its continuous growth. He confirmed that the September issue edited by the Duchess of Sussex Meghan Markle sold “terribly well”.
It was the final question that seemed to bring the whole talk and Nicholas’ life into focus. He was asked what drives him? This is a popular question at many women in business events that I have attended but it was obvious that he’d never had to think of his career from that perspective. His answer was two-fold. If he wants to do something, he’ll put himself forward for it. If he gets to do it then he’s driven to do it well as he “doesn’t want to muck up or get it wrong.” And like Richard Branson, he is happy to hire and retain clever people who are “stimulating and make life easier”. Success simplified.
@shirleyanstis on Twitter and Instagram
As a journalist with an interest in science David had worked for many of the quality broadsheets in the UK and US. He learnt a lot along the way and became curious about clever people who seem to make poor decisions. This led to him researching ‘The Intelligence Trap’ and the book offers his findings and suggestions. It is not just about pointing our finger at others but to recognise when and why we may make poor decisions.
He shared the story of Paul Frampton, Professor of Physics at the University of North Carolina, who fell for a fake glamour model and this led to him being imprisoned for drug smuggling in South America. Then there was Kary Mullins, winner of the Nobel prize in Chemistry in 1993. Despite his science credentials he went on to deny truths in other fields such as psychology, in medicine around HIV and in environmental science concerning the impact of CFC’s on the ozone layer. He was however passionate about astrology and believed vitamin C could cure everything, including cancer.
Intelligence quotient (IQ) is one of the ways we measure intelligence and although it’s flawed it does predict performance in the current education system. (There were comments on emotional intelligence later in the discussion). One of the approaches taken by David is to wonder if having a high IQ could backfire? Does the quicker processing for a clever brain lead it just as quickly to the wrong answer as to the correct one? He gives a good analogy of a car where being fast is only helpful if the terrain, steering and brakes are working well.
David went on to identify three ways in which intelligent people can make less than clever decisions. Firstly, ‘The Cognitive Miser’ who believes he is always right, does not second guess his own opinion and struggles with cognitive biases. Secondly, Motivated Reasoning is the tendency to apply our brain power only when it will suit our pre-existing beliefs (even if they are wrong). He gave a fantastic example here of Sir Arthur Conan Doyle believing in fairies whilst not allowing for magic tricks, so much so that he lost his friendship with the illusionist Harry Houdini.
Thirdly, we have ‘The Curse of Expertise’. This is where we overestimate what we remember, feel we know it and become closed minded (earned dogmatism) and through automatic or intuitive reasoning we become entrenched in our views. I found this last point hard to write because although some are critical of experts the point, I think, is not to denigrate them but to encourage each of us to become more self-aware and explore our biases.
He goes on to list the serious consequences for our society if clever, and often powerful, people continue to fall into the intelligence trap. He links some of this to our fear and shame around being wrong. (This aspect reminds me of the work of the hugely popular and wholehearted social scientist researcher Brené Brown). Similarly, our schools and workplaces reward those who respond confidently and quickly – even though they may not be right.
To avoid falling into the intelligence trap David has several suggestions. These include identifying our own biases, consulting our emotional compass and considering arguing the opposite viewpoint to see how that sits.
One of the things that came out in the question and answer time is that there appears to be a difference between men and women. The result is that mixed teams make fewer mistakes; providing more evidence for equality in the workplace. Some of the poor decisions are made when people are overconfident and believe their own hype. The audience recognised how difficult it would be for the lone dissenting voice in a team. The hope is that more sectors, particularly areas covering health and justice, become aware of how the intelligence trap plays out in their organisations and begin to take steps to mitigate it. Here’s hoping.
@shirleyanstis on Twitter and Instagram
British cricketer Chris Lewis talks about his life and his autobiography at Henley Literary Festival, October 2018
Chris Lewis was a highly successful British cricketer for many years before his life changed dramatically. He had a remarkable career playing in 32 tests matches and 53 one-day internationals, he scored 100 in India and three times he took 5 wickets.
In conversation with Gary Newborn he talks about his cricketing career alongside his life choices. At a very low point he agreed to smuggle drugs into England and was caught with the cocaine on the way in. This sent him on a detour to prison and the start of his redemptive story.
In a highly engaging and honest talk at Henley Literature Festival Lewis reflects on his life leading up to that point. As a child in Guyana, South America he dreamt of one day playing cricket professionally. Back then everyone listened to commentary on the radio and he would follow the activities of Caribbean heroes Gordon Greenidge and Viv Richards. Decades later he had to pinch himself when he stood bowling to Gordon Greenidge.
Having moved to the U.K. to join his mother at the age of 10 Lewis continued with his love of cricket. His enthusiasm was so much that he played before school, at break times, during lunch times and after school. One of his teachers, noticing how keen and how talented he was, would unlock the gym for him and a couple friends to practice whenever possible. This teacher was instrumental in helping him to get his first team. He shared fond memories of two teachers, Mr. Williams and Mr. Evans, for giving him much needed encouragement and opportunity.
Whilst Lewis was happy playing professional cricket his teammates often saw him as a little aloof and it was interesting when he spoke about this. Back then the only social was around drinking and this was not his thing. Plus, he felt that after a 12-hour day practicing with his team he should be able to leave and follow his own leisure pursuits. He was more into dancing. In 2018 we could have a conversation about cultural differences, but this concept wasn’t spoken of back then. It meant that he became a bit of an outsider with his peers and when he was down on his luck there were few people to call on.
Retirement was followed by 20/20 cricket but then he got injured. His contract was such that if he didn’t play he wouldn’t get paid, so his resources began to dwindle. By the time he desperately agreed to commit the crime he says he could barely afford to get to practice. He had no money. This was such an overwhelming time for him that he found it difficult to think clearly.
But Lewis is not angry or depressed about any of it. He turned a dream to play international cricket into a reality and got to play alongside and opposite some of his heroes. He takes full responsibility for what he did and accepts the consequences. He was released on good behaviour after serving half of his 13-year sentence.
His autobiography – CRAZY MY ROAD TO REDEMPTION – tells the full story. He now enjoys everything about having his liberty back. As well as overseeing his book he is putting together a play of his life which will be going on tour in the coming months. It’s a remarkable journey and he is generous in sharing his story with us. As an audience member I felt I encountered the real Chris Lewis and no doubt that would come through in the book too.
Baroness Doreen Lawrence of Clarendon in conversation with BAFTA award winning director Paul Greengrass at The Henley Literary Festival, October 2014
Baroness Doreen Lawrence is a name known by many due to the tragic experience her family went through twenty-one years ago when her son Stephen Lawrence was murdered. She received her OBE in 2003, had an important symbolic role in the 2012 London Olympic ceremony and became Baroness Lawrence of Clarendon in 2013.
In conversation with Paul Greengrass Baroness Lawrence spoke of her life from a childhood in Jamaica to sitting in the House of Lords. She shared memories of a loving childhood spent with her grandmother in Jamaica. The sudden loss of her grandmother saw the nine-year old Doreen join her siblings in 1960’s England.
The terrible murder of Stephen Lawrence changed her life forever and she has had to struggle to find justice publicly, whilst finding places to grieve privately. She shared how relieved and yet shocked she was that two of the accused were eventually convicted in 2012. She hopes others will eventually be convicted.
For me she embodies gentleness, self-awareness, clarity of thought and a quiet determination to seek justice for herself and others. Together with her legal team she has changed the law on double jeopardy, influenced the way police officers are trained and helped to bring to attention the way many ordinary Black people experience the criminal justice system.
The Stephen Lawrence Charitable Trust was set up to support Black young people to become architects because Stephen wanted to follow this career path. Her team are also working with partners to bring more diversity into journalism and law.
Baroness Lawrence’s autobiography is entitled ‘And Still I Rise’ from the Maya Angelou poem. The room stood still when Paul Greengrass invited her to read it.
The attentive audience asked her to share her reflections on racism, gender politics and policing over the period. She gave intelligent and honest answers without setting herself up as the expert on Black young people.
I left feeling moved and inspired. She believes it is for us to “think about the community we live in, bridge the gap and make a difference”. She did not choose politics but can see its power to make changes for a more just and accountable society.
Can we be more present to how food connects to our feelings?
I’ve been reading WOMEN FOOD AND GOD by Geneen Roth. This book came out some time ago but I never got around to buying it. When my local library was selling off old books I thought I could give it a new home but wasn’t sure what to expect.
It’s been a really interested read. As I’ve become older, what I eat and how I feel in my body has become more important than it was. I have a busy life and need foods that energise me for long periods of time. Thankfully I’ve always liked healthy food and been of average size. But I’ve also liked large Caribbean portions and that is less forgiving as I age.
In my experience ageing is not just about the body but the added responsibilities which can become stressors. This inevitably leads to a reduction of downtime and leisure activities. This means that I need to be particularly kind to my body to stay well and feel at my best.
One of the key messages in the book is that weight is not so much about what we eat as it is about why we eat when we do. It’s about being honest with ourselves and recognising that sometimes we eat when we are not hungry.
We, or others, might tell us that we deserve a treat – even though too much of that thing could be bad for our body. We might also be judged for not wanting extra cake, coffee or alcohol. In my case, I enjoy dark chocolate and I know that there is diabetes in my extended family.
Every gathering, including churches and schools, now have an unhealthy food option. It’s not enough to choose what you eat in your home or what you pick up for lunch, but you need to be prepared to make, and possibly explain, your public choices from limited unhealthy options.
What is quite clear from this book and from life, is that if we do not get to our underlying issues, then weight, via aches, pains, immobility, leisure restrictions and travel restrictions, will become the issue. We use food to express any number of emotions as well as a means to avoid staying with uncomfortable feelings. Comfort eating could be an irregular occurrence or a daily one. Can we allow ourselves to experience the difficult feelings such as disappointment, frustration, loneliness, sadness, depression, anxiety and regret without using food to keep them quiet?
The other thing she raises in her book is eating because we are impatient with the progress of our life. Let’s say we expected to be somewhere and we’re not there yet so we’re eating to avoid being where we are now. But as she says if we can’t be in the present then when we get to that holy grail of future success, we won’t be able to be present to that either.
What I take from this is that being in and with our present experience is the best that we can do. Being more mindful of why, when, how and what we eat gives us good information so that we can make better choices. Negative feelings are best dealt with rather than ignored. Therapy, journalling and mindfulness are just a few of many options to ease our difficult emotions. If we ignore one issue, we can easily create another one to add to the first – now we have two problems to work through. This is not about size or what other people think we should eat but about us – you and me – listening to our bodies as they are today. Does any of this resonate with you?
For a while I’ve been able to work on one thing whilst having several other things floating around my head. We’ve all tried multi-tasking but perhaps I’ve stretched that to my limit. It no longer works for me.
There are too many incomplete tasks and they are beginning to distract me so that my focus is never fully on the thing I’m doing. There is a real risk of doing several things to a lower standard rather than giving focused attention to each.
I tend to have several different lists for different parts of my life and then I often fall back on memory to help steer me forward. I recognise that I need to make changes for things to be different. I know from my counselling that if we don’t adapt when change is required then we risk making things worse or becoming unwell.
This is why I sought out ‘Free to Focus’ by Michael Hyatt. I know I will always have varied interests that stimulate me and projects at different levels of completion. How do I set limits around quantity and quality of my work? How do I incorporate my wellbeing, client work, creative output and routine tasks in the best way possible?
In his book ‘Free to Focus’ Hyatt brings together several well tested ideas. Some ideas, like making good use of sleep and creativity, I already use. There are other things however that I’ve not made decisions on which I now need to address. I can’t and shouldn’t say “yes” to everything that comes my way. Even if I am very efficient I will not be able to fit in everything, so I need to be able to say “no” to some things.
By not cutting out some things we end up with a list of things that we can never get to. But by being more realistic and making conscious choices about what goes onto our plates then things become achievable. That way things that matter, around values and goals, do not drop to the bottom, overtaken by easy tasks and distractions. The starting point, and a challenge for me, is cutting out some of the easy activities which do not align with stated goals.
But before we can cut out any extras we need to stop, decide what we want and evaluate our course.
As he suggests, big shifts can come from knowing when to automate, designate and delegate. I know that my answer lies in deciding to designate 3-5 hours at a time to big tasks (e.g. Writing or CPD) that require extended periods of focused work. Remembering to switch off notifications (constant disruptions) is another answer.
Routine is also essential, even for those of us who are self-employed creatives and often push against it. He suggests having a ritual for the start and end of each work day which then saves on the need for constant decision making and can be supported through better use of technology.
This book has inspired me to do things differently so that I can reduce overwhelm and maintain wellbeing. What about you, are you overwhelmed by it all or do you have an effective approach that leaves you fulfilled? Please share and comment.