Tag Archives: counselling

Therapeutic reflections on The Interview

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So often we see and hear what we’re looking for rather than what is real. In his much talked about interview, Prince Harry, The Duke of Sussex, shows the profound impact that therapy can have on an individual who is ready to look back on their life and make choices about their future. As I reflect on this, I can see four areas that affect all of us, regardless of our background.

Inside/Outside

Who we are on the inside and how others perceive us is not the same thing. This might be true in the family, in the workplace and numerous other groupings. We already know this about celebrities and political leaders. This fine if you are marketing a particular persona for your brand image but it is quite a different and more painful thing if others are deliberately spreading inaccurate information about you. None of us would like that. Especially if it’s done on a global scale and they get paid to do it. Connecting to and appreciating our own story gives us a deepening sense of our own self, autonomy and resilience.

Therapy helps us to take an honest look at ourselves, who we have been and how we want to show up in the world. Many of us become more self-aware as we get older. This could lead to self-acceptance and a desire to continue growing and learning. For others it may be an excuse and explanation for all that happens to them, abdicating the potential for choice and growth.

The potential for transformation

This new self-awareness could lead to lasting transformation. We do not need to continue to be who we have been. We’re often drawn to stories of great transformation. I know that is particularly true in religious circles, when a former criminal finds faith and the put all their energy into helping others to turn away from crime. There could be the unhealthy person who then becomes an advocate for a healthy lifestyle. But transformation does not need to be so drastic to be worthwhile. We love those fully packaged make-over stories but forget that we can do this for ourselves, from the inside out.

Personality and birth order

Personality and birth order affects our experiences in our family of birth. We know this is true in our family but often forget this is true for other people too. The experiences of the eldest, the youngest, the middle and only children are all different. The state of the relationship when you are born may be different to what your siblings experienced. I know with my siblings, with differing age gaps, we have memories of our parents at different ages. For example, parents who are newly-weds are not the same parents when child number four comes along.

In Prince Harry’s case, and this is somewhat obvious but important, he is the only one of his father’s children not to be an heir. The Queen had 4 children so 3 of them shared that experience of not being the heir. The Cambridges have 3 children so 2 of them will be able to share that experience. But Prince Harry is one of two. Every day, every mealtime, every holiday, being reminded that you are not the chosen one and there is nothing you can do about it for the rest of your life.

Living our values

Becoming aware of our values can be very empowering. If we decide that truth is a value we hold dear then we will tell the truth regardless of how uncomfortable it makes us feel. There might be a lot to lose by telling the truth so it can take a lot of courage.  Families sometimes encourage us to keep secrets to avoid shame and guilt. This is particularly true in families where there is abuse.  Some families will believe the child and report the abuser. Other families will accuse the child of lying and leave them unprotected.  In those spaces where people are believed and therapy is sought, healing and forgiveness can happen. For those who are trapped and not believed, the wound is deeper, and healing can take a lifetime.

We can all become more self-aware, begin to live to the values we hold and remember that other people may be going through a lot internally. Childhood, adolescence, adulthood and ageing are all difficult in different ways.  We live forward and reflect after.  We are all a work-in-progress, and we can’t tell anyone else how to live their one precious life.

Time to Talk

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As a practising counsellor I feel I want to encourage people to have better conversations about mental health. But the phrase ‘time to talk’ is so well used now that I wonder what we mean by it.

I remember when I first returned to live in England how I had to concentrate on the person I was speaking to figure out when they were genuinely interested in what I was saying and when they were just being polite. The difference between the two and the subtlety with which it is communicated affects us all.

So perhaps we can: –

Decide that – it’s time to talk

Create space – to talk

Choose a time – to talk

Communicate a desire – to talk

Show up, listen, empathise and not judge.  The people we connect to will appreciate it.

Most of us spend large parts of our day multitasking; at home, whilst travelling, at work, in meetings, with family and with friends.

What if we could create time to listen to ourselves? Is our self-talk supporting us or hindering us?

We too need the non-judgemental supportive space we create for others.

Through one-to-one counselling and writing workshops I try to provide this space for others.

I also provide such time for myself as often as possible. Whether I am walking between appointments or having a relaxing bath I allow myself space to be mindfully present and listen to what is going on inside me.

Let’s find ways to really talk to each other and to actually listen to ourselves. Each of us deserves to be heard.

 

 

5 misconceptions about counselling and therapy

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It is only for people with mental health problems

You may think that there are people who have mental health problems and others who do not, but the truth is that we all have mental health and any one of us could experiences challenges in this area. Mental health is on a continuum and during our lifetime we can be located on different positions as it is not a static thing. Of course, we can build up resilience but sometimes we break because we refuse to bend. Statistics in the U.K show that 1 in 4 of us will have a mental health challenge during our lifetime. If that is not you it will be someone you know.

It is only for those on the verge of a breakdown

Some people think they need to be on the verge of a breakdown to seek help but that is not so. Therapy allows you to explore the shape of the life you live and how that fits with who you feel you are on the inside. The mere fact of exploring this could be preventative and therefore make a breakdown much less likely to occur.

Everyone has mental health

 

Therapists only look backwards, never forwards

There is a view that therapists are only concerned with the clients’ childhood. Whilst childhood is important in many approaches there are some schools in therapy that create healing through being in the present or by focusing attention on finding solutions to the current problem and so create a better future. I practice an integrative approach which gives space to all of these time phases.

One size fits all

This imagines that all clients are the same and can be worked with in the same way. Yet every professional knows that their clients are different in small and important ways and in order to serve them well we need to be in tune with that diversity. Some clients might be on medication, some might be in support groups and others could be in full-time employment. We could all benefit from taking some time out to reflect on our life choices and consider making beneficial changes.

They’re all the same

People resistant to getting help or those believing they can’t be helped might turn to an experience where they tried to get help and it didn’t work out. This may even be second hand information because they had a friend who was not helped as expected. By imagining that all therapists are the same (not individual humans) they do not need to open themselves up to trying again and possibly finding someone that is a better match to their personality and story. If you choose a therapist in line with your world view, then you’re more likely to find a fit and build the trust required to explore the issues.

Do any of these misconceptions chime with you or do you have a few others not covered here? I’d love to know what you think so please leave a comment below

An A-Z for your life – Health

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healthHealth is something we all desire, and maybe something we do not spend enough time thinking about until we have suffered ill health.  I feel everyone should be informed and encouraged to look after their health from a young age.  There is a lot being done across the world but many people continue to ignore their health and pretend they do not know what to do.

I despair at the exporting of unhealthy foods from the developed world to the developing.  I am sad when I visit the Caribbean and see people replacing healthy local produce for mass-produced low-grade food imports.  This is particularly true of sweets where the homemade coconut fudge or nutmeg jam is thrown aside for a coloured chemical combination that contains no identifiable foods.

Like our health, we do not always value what we have until it disappears.  Because of the global economic climate many of us have rediscovered the joys of locally produced and home-cooked meals.  This is not only cheaper but often healthier as well.

Health is not only about the state of our bodies but also about our mental health, which covers our mind and emotions.  Our emotions show us how we are responding to things in our life. With good mental health we can make space for the range of our emotions, from despair to joy. No emotion is bad, it’s how we express it, or not, that is meaningful.

Be aware of what you pay attention to and what you ignore.  Some of us can be quite obsessive about one aspect of our health, such as our diet, whilst another area is completely ignored.  Take time to review how you take care of the health of your whole self.  It does not matter where you start but the message is to get started.  This is not about self-absorption but supports you to live a full and vibrant life. It is also generous as it  means you are more likely to be around for the loved ones in your life.

How are you looking after your physical, mental and emotional health?

An A-Z for your life – Attitude

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So what is your attitude towards art and to your life as a whole?  It is the simple things that can sometimes make a big difference in how we approach life. I really think if we shared our insights and learning more it could have a wonderfully contagious and healing effect.  It is a much better gift to share than negativity, irritation, superficiality, self-importance and other non-uplifting attitudes.

Our attitude is a key aspect of what we put into life.  That attitude also affects what we get out of it.  It impacts on our relationships with others, how they experience us and how we perceive them.  Are we open and positive or closed off and negative?  If you believe that like attracts like then positivity from us brings that out in others.  Similarly, negativity attaches to negativity.  Individually we are part of this multiplying effect that spreads through society.  Some people pay attention to an approach called the law of attraction which suggests that you can attract into your life that which you seek by being focused on it.  It suggests that we have an impact on our world – it matters how we are.

Attitude

‘If you don’t like something, change it.  If you can’t change it, change your attitude.’ – Maya Angelou.

Are you aware of the attitudes you carry around with you?  How would the people in your life describe your attitudes?  Is this what you feel is true for you or does it feel like circumstances cause you to respond in certain ways?

Has your attitude made life difficult for you?  How would it be to talk to the people in your life who you trust and get them to give you some feedback on this?

Is there anything else you’d like to consider as a result of reading this?