Tag Archives: relationships

Time to Talk

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As a practising counsellor I feel I want to encourage people to have better conversations about mental health. But the phrase ‘time to talk’ is so well used now that I wonder what we mean by it.

I remember when I first returned to live in England how I had to concentrate on the person I was speaking to figure out when they were genuinely interested in what I was saying and when they were just being polite. The difference between the two and the subtlety with which it is communicated affects us all.

So perhaps we can: –

Decide that – it’s time to talk

Create space – to talk

Choose a time – to talk

Communicate a desire – to talk

Show up, listen, empathise and not judge.  The people we connect to will appreciate it.

Most of us spend large parts of our day multitasking; at home, whilst travelling, at work, in meetings, with family and with friends.

What if we could create time to listen to ourselves? Is our self-talk supporting us or hindering us?

We too need the non-judgemental supportive space we create for others.

Through one-to-one counselling and writing workshops I try to provide this space for others.

I also provide such time for myself as often as possible. Whether I am walking between appointments or having a relaxing bath I allow myself space to be mindfully present and listen to what is going on inside me.

Let’s find ways to really talk to each other and to actually listen to ourselves. Each of us deserves to be heard.

 

 

An A-Z for your life – Kindness

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Kindness is a good quality to practice on our journey through life.  The Bible talks about doing unto others as you would have them do unto you.  But there is also something to be said for being kind whilst not expecting anything.   Kindness is simply about saying yes to a request that we can accommodate or offering to do something that we know will help another person.  It could be as simple as picking up someone’s shopping, watering their plants, giving them a lift, phoning to check that they are ok.  It is about allowing someone else’s situation to cross our mind and allowing ourselves to offer to ease their burden without feeling superior or heroic.  It is sharing the gifts and resources that we have.

waterfall

We may also find ourselves on the receiving end of such generosity.  John Donne wrote that ‘no man is an island’ and it helps us to remember that our lives are all connected.   Unfortunately it often takes a tragedy to remind us of this.  Sometimes giving of our time and energy has more of an impact than writing a cheque.   I am reminded here of a television program called The Secret Millionaire, where wealthy people go undercover to discover real needs and later, financially support these.  I know they can get publicity from the show but as they already have a high profile in their field I do not think that is their motivation.  It seems to me that they want to help and to feel the joy of giving.  There are of course many who give of their time quietly through caring and volunteering.

Kindness is not about wealth.  We are all capable of giving of ourselves, whoever we are, wherever we live.  Is kindness something you experience of yourself or from those around you? Would you like to be kinder to yourself and others?

 

An A-Z for your life – Journey

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Appreciating who you are cannot be done in the time it takes you to read this post. I have included in these posts (and the book) some of the key things I have discovered in my life to date.  This is the result of my age, having lived in three different countries and my experience of three career paths including the study of psychology, sociology and counselling.  So it is an accumulation of my experience so far and undoubtedly part of my life’s journey.

Journey copy

What has your life journey been like so far and have you begun to make sense of it?  Is it all ahead of you or all behind you?  How does that affect your day-to-day choices?  For me I am grateful to my past and hopeful about my future whilst feeling that my current opportunities are good enough.  It is up to me to make the best of what is available to me rather than focusing on what is imperfect.  (Imperfection is part of the human condition and provides us all with opportunities to be vulnerable).  I certainly feel that I am now on my individual life journey even though I don’t know what happens next.  Do you have a sense of having a past, present and future?

The sense of life being a journey can help us gain perspective.  If we use the metaphor of travel then we can appreciate that sometimes we will like the scenery and other times we really want to get out of town.  Some paths are easy to walk through and others require us to accept assistance.  We may see others on our journey who appear to be having an easier or more difficult time.  Making comparisons can be a distraction to keeping on our own path.  We may feel we are running a marathon or a short sprint, doing hurdles or mountain climbing!   Henry David Thoreau says that ‘what lies behind us and what lies ahead of us are tiny matters compared to what lives within us.’

What opportunities do our journeys present for us and for those we meet?  How do we cope with the difficulties and the privileges?  What do we protect and what can we share with others we meet on the way?  Maybe we can only appreciate a journey when we’ve got to the end and reflected on where we have been.  It may be that we have time at the end to do this or it may be that others do that for us.  It does not matter; our journey is ours and no one else’s.

How do you feel about your journey so far – share your thoughts

I am smiling on the inside

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I stood with one hand under my chin, arms folded and looking at my feet.  If you saw

me at a distance you’d think I was feeling miserable.  The truth is I was enjoying the

sunshine and engrossed with the ladybird trying to climb up my shoes.  A grounded

moment in a busy day.

 

What we are thinking and feeling is not always obvious to those around us.  If our aim

is to deceive then that’s great but if we wish to deepen relationships and develop trust

then opening up is necessary.   We could be smiling or crying on the inside, who

knows?

 

What we see from the outside is

always a partial picture of the

truth, and even we may not fully

understand ourselves.

 

 

 

For myself I find it is very powerful to be really seen, even if feedback is sometimes

difficult to receive.  It is very exposing and moving to have someone give honest

feedback on how they experience us.   With my clients I offer my reflections gently.

 

If we are experienced differently from what we believe to be the truth then it is up to us

to explore this. How are we living or being that gives them that impression?  Is there a

conspiracy or is there some truth in how others experience you?

I would love to have your responses.

Film: Inception

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I very much enjoyed watching Inception recently. The concept of the film is very intriguing as it proposes that we can infiltrate peoples’ dreams with ideas and convince them that the ideas are theirs. When said out loud it is hard to believe that this is possible – surely we all know what is our idea and what ideas we have picked up form others, don’t we? I have to admit here that it is not always clear: many of our ideas and actions are influenced by several people.

This is why advertising works. When faced with a new idea, in the correct package, we embrace it and buy in to it.  In the past we may have been able to trace our purchase to a particular iconic advert – Nescafe, and Boddingtons come to mind, but we now consume so much media that we can’t always remember where or when were presented with an idea. Human nature is social and we want to build relationships and feel we belong.  Allowing other people to plant ideas in our minds can help that process.  We do need to share our ideas and have them grow and evolve.

Maybe the only thing to take from this is to monitor what we watch and listen to. If we surround ourselves with negative input and half-truths then that will affect our view of life negatively.  If we surround ourselves with hardworking, engaged and forgiving people then our life would be very different from the previous scenario.

Another aspect of the film was about what we store in our unconscious, and how that has an impact on what we project onto the world. So, we think our unconscious is fully hidden but sometimes our behaviours say what is really going on underneath.  But how do ideas get into our unconscious?  Well that has been built up over time and through our life’s experiences.

Having watched the film I feel very aware of how fragile our mental health can be – and proud that I allowed myself to trust the film and go on the journey. I did not know how it would end but was very relieved by the ending. (It was completely absorbing and I don’t think it was because I was on a flight.)

At one point it transpires that one of the leading women enjoyed regular trips of fantasy which eventually lead to her losing her grip on reality.  This is not entirely surprising.

The movie also demonstrates: standing by your word, taking a leap of faith, and doing your best to hold on to your family. These are great values that we can all respect whilst recognising the challenges therein.

Another theme being explored in the movie is that of being haunted by your spouse after they’ve died or, you could say, struggling to put to rest the memory of a beloved spouse. It seems a theme Leonardo Di Caprio is keen to explore as it also underlies his other recent movie Shutter Island. Again issues of reality and fantasy are explored and we come to the thought that what is real depends on our perspective?

Have you seen the film Inception and how did you get on with it?