When we are children, we are often under the control of our parents, siblings and school and we have limited power to change our environment. Once we begin to have some control over our life then we become aware of our relationships and have a sense of how our behaviour can have an impact on these.

If your early experiences make it difficult to make friends or trust people then it is possible to discuss this with someone who can help. Maybe you need to figure out what you are interested in and find other people who are also keen on your hobby. Gaining confidence with likeminded people will help you and relationships will probably get easier over time.  Intimate relationships may also need attention and again the approach is the same; explore your expectations (therapy or counselling), increase your awareness of and openness to such relationships and it will become easier. Empower yourself to take responsibility by finding out how you work and taking steps to be all that you can be. You do not have to repeat the mistakes you may have witnessed around you.

No one is perfect and you do not need to be. It always amazes me that we learn so much from age ten to age twenty and yet expect to learn very little in subsequent decades. This is not only about world knowledge but self-knowledge too. We run around looking for answers and we carry them within ourselves.

We are all affected by the world we live in and the various challenges that exist but we can still take some responsibility for our lives.  Are you blaming others for the life you now lead? How can you take responsibility to make the right choices for yourself going forward?  I have decided to take responsibility for my whole health by creating more downtime to relax my body and mind. Tell me what you are taking responsibility for.

Life is not all about seeking; we can relax and consider our relationships. Who is important to us and how would they know this?

I know it can feel embarrassing telling people that we care about them but we need to find our own way of conveying this to them. Imagine if they died and did not know how you felt about them. Similarly do you know the people in your life who really care about you? Regardless of how successful or rich we might become, life is enjoyed when we have people to celebrate our successes and empathise with our challenges. Good relationships are key to a fulfilling life.

As I get older this is something I have improved upon. I love to have intimate birthday parties where I invite close friends who are important to me. As time has gone on and life has presented its tragedies it is important to know that there are people who I can lean on and who could lean on me. This is not really about mutual support because different people offer different things to a relationship but it is about a sense of awareness, where we do the best we can to be good partners, friends, family, colleagues and neighbours. We can take responsibility for our part in our relationships. For Carl Jung ‘the meeting of two personalities is like the contact of two chemical substances: if there is any reaction, both are transformed.’

Your way will probably be different from my way but it is important for you that you know how to do it for your circle of relations. It’s okay to be a little awkward and let people know how you feel about them rather than risk them thinking you do not care. This is not about buying friendships or performing affection for onlookers but about having an honest encounter with people in your life.

If this sounds too cosy having good relationships does not mean that everyone is always smiles and happiness. It is about being true with each other. So many people go through life without getting honest feedback because no one in their life cares enough (or is brave enough) to tell them when they are behaving inappropriately. If the first time you are given such feedback is at school or work then it has a public element to it that may make it more difficult to accept. Challenging feedback is probably best delivered in love and privately.

It is important to have people in our lives who can encourage us to grow, learn, deepen and be our best self. What are you doing to attract such people into your life and to be that friend to the people in your life? For that you need honesty, trust, care and courage. I have experienced this through my counselling training and my small church group as well as with longstanding individual friendships and peer groups. The truth is that no money in the world could buy quality relationships.

How do you communicate to let people know that you appreciate, value and respect them? Do you spend time nourishing your relationships or do you expect them to stay alive by themselves? Let me know your thoughts.

It is important to have time to reflect on our life, the journey we are on and where we are heading.  It is about stopping and enjoying the moment.

Many people are embracing the idea of going slow, which is an antidote to all the rushing around and multitasking that many of us try to do.  Since starting a mindfulness course I am finding it more difficult to multitask and that feels like a good thing.

I do not believe that human beings are designed to go as fast as we are trying to.  We are presented with hundreds of choices every day from emails, posters, supermarkets, outfits and travel options to name but a few.  I am like every one else – trying to absorb everything so that I can make the best choice.  Sometimes it simply is not worth the effort and takes up valuable down time.

Another way of slowing down is to engage in the practice of meditation (or prayer).  Many great thinkers and spiritual people find this a rewarding experience.  Although we think of meditation in the context of Buddhism I believe Christians and other faiths also have a place for meditation in their belief systems.  It is also possible to meditate and not belong to any faith group.  There are lots of resources and centres that can tell you more about the practice and benefits of meditation.  ‘Your sacred space is where you can find yourself again and again.’ Joseph Campbell.  I do know that it helps us to slow down and find peace within ourselves and we can then carry this into the world through our daily encounters.  I do not meditate as regularly as I would like but I am doing more of it and I do know that whenever I do I am never disappointed.

So we need to give ourselves time for being rather than only doing.  I think many of us can get caught up in the need to tell others what we did on the weekend, a bank holiday, for our birthday or an anniversary.  What will our friends say if we told them we spent the weekend listening to music, writing poetry or meditating?  Are we always busy so we don’t appear boring?    If we don’t give ourselves time to reflect how do we know why we are doing what we are doing?  I think that quiet times help us on our quest to a fulfilling life that connects to our values.

Throughout this I am also encouraging us to ask questions of ourselves, and those in our life.  It is not good to accept what others tell us we should be doing.  Socrates says that ‘the unexamined life is not worth living’. This whole book is dedicated to asking questions of ourselves and then honestly seeking out the answers.  This seeking is what makes our life uniquely ours and offers vitality, authenticity and genuine freedom.

What do you think?

We also benefit from discovering our passion.  Many of the other things we have looked at so far could also impact on your passion such as your attitude, your beliefs, your sense of identity and your early environment.

Finding your passion can be achieved through careers guidance, counselling and some spiritual or other types of retreats.  It is not so important how you get there but that you do take time to discover what your passion might be.  Tony Robbins sees passion as ‘the genesis of genius’.

Volunteering is a wonderful way to explore your ideas and find out what you connect to at a deep level.  It may be that it starts off as a hobby before it grows into something you will be paid for.

That does not mean you must spend the rest of your life focusing on your passion to the exclusion of everything else. For most of us routine monotonous tasks still have to be done even if we have found our passion.  If you are wealthy enough you can hire people to cut your grass and do your laundry but sometimes those simple tasks help to slow us down and calm our minds giving us some reflective space. I’ve found that to be the case with my cooking as I become so engaged that other thoughts fall away.

If you are passionate about something you will happily do it for free.  People often say that about the arts in particular.  There are lots of people who create and perform just for the fun of it.  I regularly go the Edinburgh Fringe festival and I see so many students thoroughly enjoying presenting their productions even though they do not make much money from it.  We are so caught up with celebrity nowadays that it is difficult for some people to figure out if they are drawn to a path from within or simply because it is in the media and looks like fun.

There are also teachers, health workers, writers and advisers from many backgrounds who have a passion for their work and continue in the face of incredible hurdles.  It presents a wonderful reason for getting out of bed every day.  Are you passionate about anything at the moment?  Have you ever been passionate about anything? Would you like to be passionate about something in the future?

You can speak to a confidante, adviser, counsellor, therapist, to help you find your way. Let me know what you think by leaving a comment below.