Author Archives: Shirley

About Shirley

Shirley Anstis is a counsellor, author and former magazine editor with a desire to live well and support others to do the same. She uses counselling, mindfulness and therapeutic writing to help her clients to work through their past, connect to their present and step into their future.This means connecting to our thoughts, feelings, imagination, body, mind and soul. The aim is to live happier and more fulfilled lives as we remember to be living beings, not just doing beings.

What does identity mean to you?

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Therapeutic writing – on identity

Identity is such a big concept that it can be difficult to get a hold of.

We share a human story, but our individual identities are unique and varied.

What does identity mean to you?

It might be the story of your origins, the background to your life. This would include ancestral links, ethnicity, culture, religion, first language, place of birth, sexuality and so on. Already this may throw up several identity leanings that support or conflict with each other.

But there is also a place for how we lead our lives now. Our identities could be linked to our passions and pursuits, who and what we choose to spend time on.

Then there are the people who have helped to raise, socialise and shape us into the people we are today. They have helped us to develop a sense of self. For some this role was done by parents. But for others it could be someone in the extended family, a teacher, a youth leader or a coach or the first boss.

Perhaps we’re still seeking and haven’t settled on an identity.

Join our writing workshop here

Perhaps there is conflict in how we see ourselves and how the world identifies us

Perhaps we’re hoping some future self – slimmer, fitter, kinder, richer – will be our real identity.

Or maybe we are becoming true to our core identity, but the process is uncomfortable and messy.

Whether we think it or not we often tell ourselves stories of who we are and who we’re not.

Where are you and the concept of your identity?

Join me to spend some time thinking and writing about this in my next workshop. Book here.

If you missed the workshop you can get a copy of this book , An A-Z for your life, discovering and revealing who you are today where you will be guided to reflect on different aspects of your identity. It’s a good place to start. Let me know how you get on.

Are you ready to create balance in yourself and in the world?

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Image by Larisa K on Pixabay

The theme for this year’s International Women’s Day is #BalanceforBetter and it stems from a desire for equal outcomes between men and women. Equal achievement and life chances provides role models for others and allows everyone to celebrate the success of the many rather than a handful of women being outliers.

But how do we achieve progress that doesn’t take another 100 years? There’s a saying that ‘if you are not part of the solution then you are part of the problem’. This seems a bit harsh, but I guess it encourages influential leaders and employers to use their platforms to advance talented people from all genders and backgrounds. Of course, like many other awareness days/months it is helping us to focus on something we need to attend to all year round. Everyone has a part to play and as women our role is to encourage each other to try new things and celebrate each other’s successes. Sometimes we might even need to shield each other from harm.

Last weekend I attended an event looking at healthy female leadership. This used archetypal approaches and biochemistry to explain why, in order to remain healthy, a woman needs to lead through her feminine power. If she tries to lead through acquired masculine energies, she will eventually become ill or face burnout. The many case studies who shared alongside the psychotherapist, coaches and doctor were very convincing. We know so much more about the body-mind connection now that it is not hard to imagine that continuous acute stress will affect our health. If you are leading in any way, be sure to do it authentically and practice great self-care. Superwoman becomes ill.

But the truth is we all need a better way to find balance in our selves. Perhaps we can’t balance everything every day but maybe being aware of how we spend our time will help us. I’ve heard it said that women can have it all just not at the same time. Do consider what stage of life you are at.  There are different challenges and rewards at different stages.

I myself have moved through various full-time combinations of working and study to my current position as a self-employed parent of a small child with a partner and petit business.

What about you? What are your current priorities? Your focus could be on your career; raising children; caring for elderly relatives; discovering the world or understanding your inner world. Whatever you’re doing, enjoy it fully, don’t feel guilty about not doing the other things, this too shall pass. The journey has many twists and turns.

Different life stages affect our capacity to fit in leisure and rest. Like you I am constantly tweaking my schedule to find the right balance between work and play. I encourage you to connect to your real life, what is really on your plate and make the best choices for you. I’m more alert to the fact that this changes over time; be sure to review if you feel strained, depleted or depressed. Small tweaks can have a big impact. Leave a comment below and let me know what you think.

 

 

 

Time to Talk

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As a practising counsellor I feel I want to encourage people to have better conversations about mental health. But the phrase ‘time to talk’ is so well used now that I wonder what we mean by it.

I remember when I first returned to live in England how I had to concentrate on the person I was speaking to figure out when they were genuinely interested in what I was saying and when they were just being polite. The difference between the two and the subtlety with which it is communicated affects us all.

So perhaps we can: –

Decide that – it’s time to talk

Create space – to talk

Choose a time – to talk

Communicate a desire – to talk

Show up, listen, empathise and not judge.  The people we connect to will appreciate it.

Most of us spend large parts of our day multitasking; at home, whilst travelling, at work, in meetings, with family and with friends.

What if we could create time to listen to ourselves? Is our self-talk supporting us or hindering us?

We too need the non-judgemental supportive space we create for others.

Through one-to-one counselling and writing workshops I try to provide this space for others.

I also provide such time for myself as often as possible. Whether I am walking between appointments or having a relaxing bath I allow myself space to be mindfully present and listen to what is going on inside me.

Let’s find ways to really talk to each other and to actually listen to ourselves. Each of us deserves to be heard.

 

 

Book Review- The Life-changing magic of tidying by Marie Kondo

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(First published in TODAY Magazine, no longer online)

I bought this book around the start of 2018 when I try to face the new year and make decisions about what I’d like to do the next twelve months. Like many of you, I acquire stuff. At some point we need to look at our stuff and whether they are adding to our happiness. Many studies show that happiness is not about stuff but relationships and experiences.  With this knowledge I stumbled upon this book and decided to buy it.

 

Having read Marie Kondo’s book, I think it could help you if you have too much or even if you feel you don’t have enough. She has created what she calls the KonMari Method of organising where she asks her clients to really look at and touch the stuff in their lives and see how they feel. Her basic advice is to keep the stuff that brings you joy. Of course there are exceptions such as insurance documents, appliance guarantees and simple tools.

 

So why bother to do this life audit? Well the theory is that once we’ve let go of things we are carrying from the past we can free ourselves to live fully in the present and become clearer about our priorities. I found myself agreeing with this quote:” the space in which we live should be for the person we are becoming, not for the person we were in the past”. I know this through my counselling work where I  support people in discovering the person they envision themselves to be.

 

So what does she promise you will achieve by tidying? From her decades of doing this work and her hundreds of clients she has come up with some findings:

  • Put your house in order and discover what you really want to do
  • Gain confidence in life through the magic of tidying
  • Less attachment to the past or anxiety about the future
  • Learn that you can do without
  • Your living space affects your body – lighter, cleaner, fitter
  • Being surrounded by things that bring you joy makes you happy

 

KonMari Method promises that by using her method of tidying you will only need to tidy once and this will free up more time for living. Certainly the constant light tidying is what made me pick up this book because I knew I needed an idea that went deeper.

 

The method encourages you to discard stuff that are not important and don’t bring joy.  She knows that if we start with sentimental items then we’ll get side-tracked so she offers an approach that leaves the sentimental items near the end of the process. Clothes, books and paperwork are tidied, then komono (misc items) and finally sentimental items such as gifts and photos. You’d have to buy the book to check out her detailed guidance, including using shoe boxes for storage and tips for organise your wardrobe so you can find anything easily. This book is not for you if you are content to be surrounded by things you can’t find and don’t bring you joy. I’ve just taken my first steps with this. Let me know what you think in the comments below.

 

Shirley Anstis